Baby Steps

So my dogged determination at turning this rotation around may have started to pay off.

It has not been easy.

I've had to spend double the time required of me at the hospital, attend many mind-numbingly boring meetings, present patients to consultants I'm not even working for, nod and smile a lot during 4h ward rounds, and agree with everything Nibbs says--but it has started to work.

Today during a tea break Nibbs' senior registrar informed me that he had commented that I was 'quite good' and 'well directed' with a very 'applicable background'!!

Cue: angels getting wings, fireworks, rocket ships taking off, the end of Beethoven's 5th symphony, and a flock of doves flying away.

I. Am. Haggard.

It is exhausting having to plaster an enthusiastic look on your face all the time when you just feel like slinking into the chapel to hide for the next 43 days.

But at least things seem to be turning, so very slowly, a corner.

Ohhh...HARSH!

So this morning His Nibbs turns to me and says, "How long were you a nurse for?" [This being the first time he's ever actually directed any specific question at me regarding my life or previous existence...actually, it was one of probably only 5 occasions in the past 3 weeks where he actually addressed me directly with a question that required an answer.]

"Five years".

"Hmmph..."

A couple hours later on the ward round he then inquires, "What type of nursing did you do? Regular nursing I suppose...."

"I was an A & E nurse and also worked casually on acute adult psyche".

"A & E nurse??? You were an A & E nurse? Well I would have never guessed that."

"Well....er...[not sure how to respond or where he was going with that]...er...chronic diseases aren't really my area...more acute on chronic or acute presentations, I suppose..."

"No, well I mean, you must be sitting on a mountain of knowledge then, with your background...an absolute mountain...you'd never know it...I mean, I've been around you two weeks and I would have never known you had that knowledge!"

Oh. Of course. That was where he was going with that. Nice.

FML.

Can't Win for Losin'

Last week His Nibbs* tells me that he doesn't come in for rounds on Tuesday, and encourages me to take this time to "go to the gym, or do some extra reading...take time for myself". Ok. Great!

Last night I get a text from one of the other students telling me that there is a radiology meeting at 0815h today. He thinks we should go despite the fact that Tuesdays are our day "off" because we've already been marked as the most "uninterested, unenthusiastic medical students [Loafers] has ever come across". I agree (not with the fact that we're unenthusiastic, with the fact that we should show up).

So we arrive to much confusion by the other consultants as to which room the meeting is in, who is presenting, if it is happening or not, etc. We shuffle around the hospital trying to find the cluster of medical teams to no avail. So like kids who are lost in the grocery store we (another consultant and handful of meddies) decide to stay put in the hopes that the important people will find us. 


His Nibbs shows up, walks by us without a "good morning" or an "oh you're here on your day off for the radiology meeting, well done!"

Nope. He spins on his heel and says to Other Med Student and I, "it is YOUR fault that the team isn't here...where are they? It is YOUR job to organize them and let them know where and when things are occurring!"

OMS replies, "um...we didn't actually even know about this meeting until last night...and the rest of the team wouldn't be coming in for an hour and a half anyway..."

But Nibbs was already walking away (he does that---gives out to you while walking into a patient room, or before talking to a nurse, or stepping into the elevator, so that no actual discussion can occur. Just his hissy fit then, FIN.)

I am still trying to figure out how or why we were at fault. But we were.

So I clung on to the rest of the team for the morning...went to the endoscopy department to work on my research project and ended up chatting with my surgical consultant (M.C) about the issue, trying to get some advice on how to not become a shell of the woman I once was survive the next 8 weeks.

In an effort to cheer me up, he did what any former consultant preceptor would do: invited me to go to the afternoon surgical outreach clinic. YEAH! So I did. And it was great. Got to see loads of patients, a few of them even follow-ups from surgeries that I got to assist in last month. It was exactly what I needed because it reminded me of why I do love medicine, that I am not incompetent or unenthusiastic. And the drive along the Irish countryside had some therapeutic effects as well, I am sure.

Tomorrow I am going to stay late, clerk emergency patients that are being referred to medicine, go in early on Thursday to see who was newly admitted, and I am going to DAZZLE His Nibbs with my excitement for All Things Medicine. Look out a.fib / COPD / stroke! I am coming to get 'cha!!

*"His Nibbs" is my new boss. For now.

The Blog Squints at the Light

Hello again, old friend...Ohtanninbound!

It has indeed been ages since I last made a post on this blog. As I mentioned on Asystole, my name is going to be connected to the blog on CBC radio as of this weekend so I think I'll start making more of my personal posts over here, once again.

I also realized that it's hard not being able to vent and receive support from folks when things are a bit rough. I feel a little more exposed now, especially knowing that some of my classmates (and quite possibly faculty) read Asystole.

Things are not roses in my new rotation and I am just trying to come to grips with how challenging the next 8 weeks might prove to be.

Here's to hoping that I don't become an overly emotional, insomniac, shell of a woman I once was...like I did in nursing school when I encountered a similarly evil clinical instructor.

Sigh.

For now though, I can't even think about it. I am looking for the bright and shiny bits in each day, which do present themselves. Usually in the form of a lovely patient or a commiserating medical student.

Mojooooo Where Are You???

Someone please tell me how to get motivated again.

I seem to have lost that loving feeling with being here, the constant stress, the workload that never ends, the living on campus, being away from Canada...all of it. I had a total stress meltdown last week (on *holidays* I might add) and have been dreaming of nothing more than the life I had before this.

Weird since I spent all my life before this thinking about medical school. I actually had a fantasy about re-applying to Calgary again next year and quitting school here. I know that is insane, but that is how much I want to be home.

Sigh.

I really am trying to do everything to stay positive: I am exercising 5-6 times a week, eating well, getting enough sleep, taking breaks from work when I need it, trying to laugh as much as possible. Tobie is being as helpful as he can but I am worried that me feeling down will be a wear on our relationship. He's definitely been a huge support here.

I just can't seem to concentrate or retain anything it seems. I suppose one of the downsides to having worked in healthcare is knowing what is in store at the end. I always thought that was a plus--but you know my classmates get theses starry looks in their eyes and wistful expressions when they talk about getting to be in the hospital. I know what awaits, and though yes it is obviously a great job overall, I have no misconceptions of the realities of residency and work.

I feel the need to be inspired or excited about something again instead of just slogging.

Canada D'eh!

To celebrate Canada Day, my occasional housemates Kara and Stephen suggested we go for a hike in our neck of the woods. I thought that was a dandy idea. My knee has been doing well since I've stopped running/biking for the past 7 weeks so hiking has been an option again. On Tuesday Kara and I did a mini hike up Teapot and my knee was fine so we gassed up the 4X4 and headed off to Mt. Cheam on July 1st.

Super crazy logging road to the trail head, but the nice thing was not having to slog through the miles and miles of dense forest to start getting some views. Still plenty of snow around in the alpine we enjoyed amazing views of the Fraser Valley, the Fraser River, Mt. Baker and even Harrison Lake from the summit. On the way up we came across a couple in their 70's on their way down, the husband had a giant Canadian flag tied to his pack like a cape and they were all smiles and 'HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!' as they passed.

I feel like I have been trying to memorize all of these moments like stills in my mind for those times when I am homesick in Ireland. I am wanting to hold on to these last few days in the lower mainland, cherish them. My dogsitting/housesitting all week in Whistler has been a bittersweet time as I love the people, food, landscape, and recreation that surrounds me here. It is a perfect reminder of all of the things I will be giving up for the next, oh, decade. Wish I knew what propelled this desire to keep moving forward. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I am moving forward, just constantly in a new direction.

Cap in Hand

So I really have no idea how I am going to put myself through medical school.

I have just gotten the big "sorry we can't help you" from another couple of agencies which I was hoping would give me some funding for school...

I can't get return of service agreements with the northern territories because I am not a northern territory resident (even though the majority of my work in the last 4 years has been in Nunavut and the NWT I don't have a mailing address North of 60 and therefore, don't qualify).

Can't get return of service funding in my province of residence because--guess what? You have to be attending a Canadian school for that.

No funding from the Canadian forces for same reason as above.

Hmmm...well...lets see...is there a massive demand for doctors in rural settings in Canada?

Yes.

Is there a massive demand for doctors in the disadvantaged populations groups?

Yes.

Is there a massive demand for doctors in the Canadian Forces right now?

Yes.

Is anyone able to think outside the box in terms of providing funding to Canadians who are studying abroad and would like to return and work in these settings?

Nope.

My line of credit is going to fall about $40 000 dollars short to cover my tuition costs (yeah, that is right, just the tuition...never mind the books, cost of living, travel home).

I don't have a spouse that can support me or some random property in the Baja I can sell.

Really feeling like I am at a loss right now. In more ways than one.

Believe me I've considered diamond running and selling a few of my eggs (as I have no plans for them)...any other suggestions would be welcome.

Props to Pops

This Friday marks the anniversary of my dad's death in 2002. For me this year will be a bit sadder than most. My dad would have been over the moon had he been alive to see me start medical school. Many of the folks on his side of the family never even completed high school let alone university.

I had a few random things in a bag I brought with me from storage when I last moved. And I mean random...plunger for French press, old camera, greeting cards, mesh bag, mail, incense... and as I sorted though--a photo of my dad and I on his ride-a-mower when I was about 4 emerged. This photo floated out of my stack of paperwork and landed on the table. I had completely forgotten about it-- most of my photos are in storage about 900kms away.

I stared at it for a while then tacked it up on my fridge. I realised that his death day is tomorrow and that he died not knowing I'd reach my goal of medical school. Hadn't pieced that reality together yet. After losing a parent it seems all victories become somewhat bittersweet because that tender spot inevitably gets reactivated with each triumph. Our parents are the only people in the world that genuinely care when we succeed or when we fail. Our accomplishments to them are uncomplicated in ways that cannot be with a spouse or friends.

Many people say to me "oh, your father knows what you are up to" but honestly, I don't know if I believe that. I think (if there is an afterlife) it will be so unimaginably wonderful that our souls will be preoccupied with much more important things than hanging around earth to see if our living offspring become doctors or not. I know my father was very proud of who I was even when I was just a punk-assed 22 year old. I think a part of my wishing he were around to see me off in May stems from my desire to show him "See dad! You and mom done good!" Giving me the chance to say thank you for eating my watery scrambled eggs, letting me put rollers in your hair, and tolerating the boyfriends who wore trench coats.

It all worked out in the end Dad.

Thank you.

I hope you're riding some cosmic wave or fishing off a plentiful dock with Cubby right now.