That Horrible Feeling

You know that horrible feeling when your alarm clock goes off and you just dread having to get up to face the day?

I had actually forgotten what that was like. My alarm during surgery would go off at 0615h and I never hit 'snooze' once. I was always so excited to see what the day would bring.

Yeah...not so much these days. Hit snooze about 6 times today, couldn't get my act together fast enough to pack a lunch, was almost late so I had to park in the PAY parkade (12 Euro!), and race up to the ward with non-ironed pants and no breakfast.

Aaaaannnnnnnnnd my consultant was 30 mins late for ward rounds.


Perfect.

You Guys Are The Best

Thanks so much for all the words of encouragement in comments and emails!

I am such a whiner! Sigh.

But if I didn't whine then I wouldn't learn catchy phrases like "Bugger Canada right up the bugger pipe", and life would somehow be less hilarious. Thanks Ry.

Yes Canada is being dumb dumb dumb and yes it is just another hurdle. But I am reminded of how many things I have to be thankful for in this life and if my greatest hardship is living away from Canada or having to continue training in Auz, NZ, UK, or US then really I have very little to complain about and should be happy. It does fell like Canada is further and further away on the horizon though, which is a bit of a throat lumper. AMG--just think of the vacation opportunities depending on where I end up!

I made the decision to undertake this, no one held a gun to my head (well except that one time when John was really drunk and he thought I was a squirrel...but I digress...kidding).

Unfortunately the NWT, NU and Yukon do not have medical residency programs per se as there are no schools up there...their affiliations with students are all through southern universities---though that does seem like a no brainer, it's true....no doctors for 20 000sq km? How about a few residents then to mind the fort?

In other news, life here continues to trundle along. I am debating a race in May...the knee (she spits in corner) is constantly teetering on the edge of functional to painful and I don't know if training would be a good thing or a bad thing.  Still enjoying weights and fitness classes though I do feel like a complete doofus when I have to sit out (or drop the weights) for anything that involves bending the Rt knee (spits in corner) while the 75 year old lady who came in on a walker is doing her 50th squat with a bar slung behind her neck.

I mentioned on Asystole that this week was kinda tough as our patient was a heart attack who eventually died day 4 post M.I. During the class when we were discussing the sudden death I felt myself getting upset and made a trip to the loo to collect myself. I never get upset usually when thinking about/talking about/learning about/treating M.I patients (even though that is how my dad died) so it did take me a little off guard.

I was actually glad that I still have that soft spot there though, it's normal (and healthy) I think to get upset over upsetting things (despite what our medical education teaches us). I was fine after a few minutes and went back to finish the class. Our case this week is a 30 wk premie baby so that will be a nice change to the opposite side of the universe.

Tobie is in NY, NY for a concert with the Irish Chamber Orchestra this week. Of course I miss him but having him gone will give me a chance to catch up on some things and start the daunting task of making new notes again from last semester (lost everything on memory stick last week).  I do wish I could have gone to NY for a week for a holiday but....maybe in 10 years when I have an income again. :)

Anyway, thanks again for all the support...I am done having my little on-line temper tantrum (for now).

Here's to 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.

Fine then, be that way Canada

I am super pissed right now at the Canadian medical system. Probably even more pissed than the two times I went through the application process to get INTO medical school in Canada (and wasn't even interviewed).

On Asystole I eluded to the CaRMS meeting we had last week with regards to returning to Canada to complete our residencies once we're medical graduates.

I feel seriously betrayed by the Canadian medical education system and their completely myopic approach to solving the horrendous shortage of MD's in Canada.

First off...I am a resident in BC and AB. My family lives in AB and my friends (and lifestyle of choice) is found in BC. So it would seem logical that I want to return to one of those places if I'd like to have a residency there. Yeah, not an option. My third choice was Quebec because Tobie is Quebecois and we'd like to go there together as he's moving back there in 2 years once he's done his program here. Strike three.

I CAN'T ACTUALLY APPLY to any of those three provinces for residency. Why you ask? Because if you are an IMG (international med grad) you have to have *permission* to apply to those provinces for Residency (when I say 'Residency' I am referring to the post-grad training you have to do in order to develop your specialty in Canada...you don't just graduate with MD and start working in a clinic the next day). To gain this great privilege you have to have written all of the qualifying exams that foreign doctors have to write, and you have to have passed them. Fine, I get that. BUT you have to do that AFTER you graduate which means I will graduate in the summer and then have to wait until Sept or Nov to write the exams and since I wont be done all of the exams until the CARMS intake is closed for that year I will have to SIT ON MY ASS for an entire year waiting for the next match with all of my passing grades. Plus Quebec has the added barrier which is you have to LIVE there for a year before you can apply for *permission* to be a Resident.

Which would be fine if I had money. Then I could travel the world, take my yoga instructor course, play mandolin all day long, etc. However I will be a QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS in debt when I am done school which means that I will have thousands of dollars of payments to make each month while also observing my total debt rise with the unpaid chunk still accumulating interest. Yes, because most of my tuition was paid for by a LINE OF CREDIT not a STUDENT LOAN.

Screw you Canada.

So my options are Ontario (5 year return of service), Sask (7 year ROS), NFLD (3 year ROS) or Manitoba. If I actually choose a specialty I will be free from Ontario when I am 44 years old. Yeah, that is 14 years from now.

All because I wanted to be a doctor.

If I had known then what I know now...I can definitely say I would have done SOOOO many things differently.

Like stayed a nurse for one.
Reapplied in Canada for two.
Applied in the US for medical school for three.

Also, guess what, I don't want to be a plastic surgeon living in TO doing boob jobs all day. I actually want to work in underserviced areas and as a volunteer overseas. Where is the support from the government? From the medical schools to promote physicians who want to serve RURAL communities?

Grrrrrrr...... *snaps pencil in half*

Cheap as Chips

Tobie and I have been savoring these last few days of freedom before the great education thrust begins again. I am back to school tomorrow and am pretty excited about the new start but also slightly dreading the immediate loss-of-having-a-life that comes with it.

We're both poor, and that isn't fun. But we've figured out low budget ways to enjoy our pauper-dom.

Right now I am on the 10 year window shopping plan. We go to these lovely grocery stores, artisan boutiques, art galleries and I pick out all the things I'm buying and then say "I'll be back in 10 years to pick those up".

At the liquor store which is only a 40 min walk away, they sell these mini bottles of wine (not half litres, they are actually 300mL) at the bargain price of 3 for 5 Euro. We make a large batch of popcorn, walk to the liquor store, get our three minis, and go to the movies (about another 10 mins walk). Flash the student cards and voilà! it is a cheap night at the movies, with wine.

I am getting groceries on-line these days. That has significantly improved my quality of life. When you don't have a car, bike, or reliable bus service you have to somehow get to and fro your closest grocery store (2.6 km away). I know that doesn't sound far but when you have to carry them back (and you're not a masochist like AMG) it is not fun. Plus you don't want to buy heavy things like vegetables and fruits and beans...you want to buy pringles and twinkies because of their weight. Turns out, healthy things are heavy things. Who knew? I guess the Northern stores...

This week our patient has chronic heart disease. I am going to hit the 'Rapid Interpretation EKG' book for a few hours while Tobie practices. Life marches on. 

I am a Lazy Double Poster...

I know, I know...double posting is LAZY. But really...Asystole appears to be taking over as my main blog...I sometimes wonder if I should just put it on ice and only have that one now..

Hmmm...

In the meantime, until I decide...

I can't believe I am actually here.

The goal of getting to this place seemed so very very far off that for a long time I hardly lifted my head to look up and see how many more stairs there were to the top. I would just focus on the two or three ones directly in my line of vision...keep my head down, and push on.

I remember very clearly talking to Vern about it one day on a walk in Revelstoke. It was the summer I first moved there and I could feel the contemplation stage of change slowly working it's way into action. I told her that at some time I'd have to give up work completely, move somewhere with a university, take 8 or so prerequisites, write the MCAT, apply to schools, then wait almost a year to find out if I was accepted or not.
She was also looking into a long application process at the same time, applying to school in Scotland to undertake her masters. We both sorta shook our heads at how daunting it all was.

Today I got to sit in a lecture room and look at my fellow classmates for the next 4 years. I've been so lucky since my arrival (save for the baggage incident) to have connected with some very amazing folks in my class. Musicians, chefs, dancers, researchers, engineers...we're all meshing into these interesting combinations. Our res unit of 4 has basically become the meeting point for our group of friends from res. We've already had two late night jams, "Flight of the Conchords" showings, big group meals, and kitchen partying--and it's only been 5 days. My roommates are first years as well, and though they are a few years younger than me, it hasn't seemed weird. Just funny more than anything else...like watching my one roommate figure out how to make a sandwich after coming home from the bar.

It was a long day of orientation today, and though I had ants in my pants after sitting for so many hours (8!) I must admit I was on the edge of my seat as they talked about clinical skills, labs, textbooks, the PBL groups, and our eventual hospital rotations. Next week we will be assigned our patients from the 'early patient contact program' which involves us following a prenatal woman from now through to 3rd year as she goes through the pregnancy and eventual birth/growth and development of the child. We're also being assigned a patient with a chronic disease who we will also be paired with until 3rd year. We'll be expected to attend hospital visits/doctor appointments/home visits with these patients...and be another resource for them as they work their way through the system. I am very excited to meet these people who will be a big part of my learning for the next 2 years.

After orientation we had a quick snack and headed out to the pub for a medical society social event. This was an event for 1-3rd years which included a life sized (timed) game of 'operation' as well as the normal mini version. I was terrible at the life sized one and wouldn't have come close to the top time even if I hadn't been buzzed out after 16 seconds. Instead of claiming fame and status with a win, I ate two free hotdogs (apparently my 'mystery meat' rule doesn't apply in Ireland) and drank some Guinness. The hot dog guy said that evidently I wasn't going to be a surgeon (I told him maybe I'd just be a slow one...) Came back to our place and had another jam session with my two new music-playing pals, drank some tea, and then called it a night.

It's strange to be in place finally. In the place that has been so far off in the distance for so long. It is also lovely to be able to embrace the now--feel that my life has truly gone to the place it was meant to go, at the time it was meant to happen, and with the people I was meant to be surrounded by.

Sláinte!

Nothing Is Sacred

I couldn't help it...John sent me this email today and it is by far the funniest thing I've received as a result of my recent acceptance to medical school.

I had to post it.

Sorry John.

Nothing is sacred...(The funniest part is I almost look like I almost have a smile on my face or like I am humming "hum de hum de hum...I love ironing my man's shirts for him....hum de hum"!) Here is the email:

yeah baby!!!

'bout friggin time eh?

finally an admissions crew with a head on their shoulders...well done! (you should get your SAS qualifications while you're at it)

Ireland is sooo much cooler than some island in the baking sun.

but don't get ahead of yourself...'cuz you'll always have people to remind you who.....you REALLY are!!!! (see incriminating photo below...)

...you missed a wrinkle....

And Now...for Something Completely Different

It appears that 'ohtannin' has been getting more traffic than usual lately...weird. I'm not even putting tag lines like "large breasted women" or "AC Cobra" in any of my posts. (Woot! Let the raw data appear now!!!) Regardless, it appears that it is time for a life update on here as things are about to make a 180.

Last week I received 5 reject letters from the Canadian schools that I applied to--including Calgary. Initially I was really quite frustrated and sad by this. There was a lot of "what do they want then???" being yelled at the sky. Well, there were a few expletives in there also...but after the wave of cussing and tiny fist shaking, I realised this meant I was moving to the Caribbean. And that is not such a bad thing I suppose! It's 20 months on the island, then 72 weeks of clinical rotations, which can be divided in the UK/USA or USA--with the possibility of 12 weeks in Canada (yay!).

Evidently 2007-08 in Canada was the worst year for international medical graduate (IMG) residency rates in over 20 years (6%) which means that there is a fairly large chance that I will have to do my residency in the USA. This I am okay with, but it means that depending on my specialty of choice I could be away from Canada for the next 9 years. 9 YEARS!!!! That is starting to seem like a long time! That is me being gone "for my 30's". Is that crazy? That is a substantial amount of weddings, births, birthdays, pot lucks, swimming competitions, football games, first steps, and Settlers of Catan games that I am going to miss out on! :(

Well, I am on this track now and there is no way I am going to get off after all the sweat, tears, and cash I spilled to get to this point. When a goal is so far off you can barely see it, it is no wonder that the implications of attaining it are fuzzy--the realities are blurred until you get there.

And so, with 2.5 months left in Canada, it is going to be a scramble of stocking up on my favorite things (Yogi tea and Denman Island chocolate) and saying goodbye to friends and family. Oh and skiing. And working. And getting a temporary resident card and a new passport. And packing.

Another January in Blogville

I just realised that today is the 2 year anniversary of "ohtanninbound"! For some reason this not-even-remotely-auspicious day causes me to reflect on the past 2 years. Reminds me that 2 years ago I was in Iqaluit and hadn't even started the journey to medical school. One year ago I was in the thick of things, in prerequisite hell, with still another semester, an MCAT, and summer session yet to be completed. Thankfully that part of my existence is behind me. As my friend Kate told me last August--just write "2007-2008" and draw a giant line through it, it was a write off...don't think about it. Which for the most part was true. There was a lot of stress but there was still some great highlights like the trip to Europe, the small amount of time I actually got to spend in Revelstoke, the Valhallas hike, my road bike...

Today I slept waaaaay in. So much so that it makes me wonder "what the hell is wrong with me?" Every time I'd open my eyes I'd see the large snowflakes landing on the trees outside, finally after over a week without snow. It is one of my favorite sights, and it caused me to smile a little to myself and fall back asleep.

I continue to be in limbo while I wait for my place here in Mountain Town, dividing my time between the Stephen/Kara house and the Jerry/Francesca/Isabelle house. Working in two different ER departments, in two different health regions. One ER is the typical population with the usual woes found there: abdominal pain, drug seekers, chest pains, sore throats, and lots of elderly people admitted to the hospital stuck in the ED.

The other ER sees the casualties you'd expect find at the bottom of a mountain that has 20-30 000 people skiing/snowboarding on it during a busy day: crazy fractures, traumas, lacerations, head injuries, sore joints...and a smattering of the aforementioned presentations.

I move into my quaint little one bedroom in a couple of weeks. I cannot wait to officially unpack my duffel bag until September. 10 months of couch surfing is simply too long.

On the recreation front, the skiing this year has been...mediocre at best. The best snow so far was in Revelstoke after Christmas. So instead, I've been keeping myself busy by hanging around the climbing gym and attempting to boulder (I suck), getting back in to yoga (I was flexible once), and counting down the minutes on the elliptical (thank you meniscus that is keeping me from running). So it has been a bit frustrating. But I have to just keep reminding myself...the hardest part about sports is getting back into it. I just have to suck it up for the next 6 weeks or so and then I won't feel like the kid who gets picked last in gym class.

But as I write this, the snow continues to fall...so maybe...there is a ski season left to be salvaged after all.

Next week the letters for Canadian med school interviews come out...I start the mailbox vigil sometime mid Feb. I'll try and not think obsessively only about those letters. Cross your fingers for me...Calgary....Calgary....Calgary...

I Could Probably Handle It...

So there I was sitting at a table for 4. Alone with my great current book, "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by Kingsolver. Alone in fact, in the entire restaurant. Staring out across the ocean, watching the sun drop out of the sky.

I was enjoying some black bean soup and a coffee, mulling over the options for medical school this coming year. The thought of traveling across the world is, to say the least, daunting. Far away from family, friends, my favorite deli's, snow, and the mountains.

My two acceptances so far have been to Caribbean schools which, the ones I'm accepted to, have great reputations, encouraging match statistics for residencies, and really unique opportunities for 3rd and 4th year clerkships. But it is a fact that the island students have to prove themselves, which can be a good or a bad thing. I know I will be a strong student with my nursing background so that doesn't scare me off too much. But the distance and the IMG status does cause me to hesitate a wee bit.

But then I sat back and sipped on my coffee and thought...

Nah...I think I can handle the hurdles...

SUCCESS!

So if there is anybody out there--I'm pretty excited to announce that I have been accepted to 2 medical schools!

So...now I just have to wait to hear back from the other 12 that I applied to...sadly the interview offers for the rest don't come out until February or later...

If there are still some of you out there...I promise I have emerged from the cave that I crawled into after India and will get back to posting again more regularly.

In some ways this knowledge that I am now for sure going to medical school is...almost hard to wrap my head around. I have spent so much time and money and made so many sacrifices to get to this point I almost thought that there would be fireworks and cartwheels when I found out.

But it was just a large envelope and at the time no one to jump up and down with. It did seem a little empty. Of course my family was over the moon but everything almost seemed bittersweet.

Anyway now there appears to be someone who is going to come along for the ride so...fingers crossed...