The Venue of Vultures

How is it that finish lines can feel so hollow? I was driving home from my exam, the last surge of adrenaline from writing was long gone and had been replaced by the anticipated nausea. I was expecting to feel jubilant. Relieved. Excited. It's strange how coming to the end of a long road can be so anticlimactic.
There have been times in my life where I have felt the pull of endless possibility in many directions so it is a sensation I am already familiar with.

In my minds eye I feel see myself running in a canyon, it's hot and rugged and my head is down to follow the rust colored contours. Running, running, running and then suddenly the ground opens up beneath my feet and I am flying through the air.
So far I have always landed on my feet, but at this juncture I have no idea where that might be. This next year is wide open for me.

So this chapter is closed.

The stage, predominately the basement of the central academic building. Often empty, save for a few random people (who also know where the electrical outlets are) playing video games or watching youtube. During the day the large picture windows let you see what you're missing. By night, there is no way to shift your weight to make those fixed plastic chairs comfortable. And generally, around this time the night cleaning crews arrive, and with them the cue to head home.

My last night of studying in CAB.

A major player and ultimate ally here at the university, Raj. This man met me almost every morning and every afternoon, for a total of 3-4h a day to tutor me through the wonderful world of organic chemistry. For the last 6 weeks I've robbed him of his opportunity to sleep in, and any opportunity to eat dinner outside the bowels of the chem building. Raj--you ROCK!




And now for the best part. The last act, the celebration! I was sitting in the students union building a few days ago when I looked up and saw Paul. A good friend and former partner in truancy, vandalism, and general adolescent skulduggery. I haven't seen him since we graduated from high school. It was strange looking at him and seeing a man's face superimposed on the image of my 17 year old version of him. As Friday was his last exam for his most recent degree and my last exam in year of pre req hell, we thought it fitting that we ring in the New Reality together. And as an added bonus, his roommate Jaison was also a friend from high school who I'd often hoped I would connect with again someday.

So we ate, we drank, and were merry.
There really is a special connection that we carry with people who have been in our lives during the tumultuous and wondrous time which is our coming of age. I generally shudder at any thought of high school or the people that I was forced into spending it with, so it was amazing to spend an evening reacquainting a couple of dear friends who had been red balloons in a gray landscape.

So for now, I am free of the venue of med-hopeful vultures. Free to spend time with the important people in my life, time in my kitchen, and time on the trails. And for all of that, I am happy.

Teflon Neurons

Voici a little sheet that shows most of the reactions I'll need to know in...oh...36h or so...

Okay. I am officially hitting the wall. No, more like running at the wall, hitting it, backing up and running at it again. An entire year of organic chemistry simply should not be condensed into 6 weeks. It's just not part of the natural order of things. It simply isn't right.

At this point, the real estate in my short term memory has dwindled to nil. I'll do a question, say to myself, "okay, so if I want to turn an amide into a primary amine I need Br2 and OH". Then I go to the next question and I have no idea what I just wrote down. Things go into my brain and then immediately they are gone. It's frustrating. Plus I am just starting to go batty in other ways...I walked into the dry cleaners yesterday and said "good morning!" at 1730h. Then I went to Safeway and walked by a dude waiting in line and started putting my food on the conveyor belt in front of him!

I am getting really excited though that soon all this will be over. I have significantly lowered my standards this week. I progressed from the "must get an A" to a "meh...as long as I am breathing at the end of this I'll be happy".

Also excited about the fact that I can finally stop having this conversation.

The only sad thing about being finished o-chem is I will have to retire my mackin' lab coat. In case you missed it, here is just one part of the bling I put on my sweet little protector of fine sweat pants.


I really may have to bronze it and hang it in a display case of some kind when I get home. That is enough procrastinating for now. Must return to the reagents. Uhhhhg....reagents.

Go Long---May Long!

I forgot about this picture. John and I ended up lost, wandering the streets of Geneva like a couple of oafs after a fabulous dinner at a restaurant Hank recommended. But before we ended up an hour and a half in the wrong direction from our hotel, we stumbled upon this park where many chess games were underfoot (literally) among an interesting cross section of Genevians (Genevioans?). There were toothless old dudes, hipsters, punks, yuppies, huppies, nerds, and goths all claiming their little piece of painted concrete.

I was entertained as we walked around and John shredded every players strategy, mumbled about their inferior chess playing abilities, scoffed at their moves, and guffawed about slow and painful endings to games that had such "obvious check mates". Thats my man. Chess snob number one.

Enter, Edmonton.

After our beautiful little Swiss getaway the reality of Edmonton hit like a ton of bricks. Or should I say, a ton of pavement?


Right now I am spending roughly 2-3h a day in traffic. Not just the 'getting from A to B is a long way off' kind of traffic, but the 'inching along in construction zones' kind. The worst kind. Also, the two main veins that empty into the heart of the university are under construction. So there is no way to avoid it. It is heinous. My calculations have shown roughly 30+ hours in the car in the past 2 weeks. Life is just too damn short for that kind of nonsense if you ask me. No wonder coronary artery disease is directly correlated to how far one has to commute!


So last weekend I got in the car again. But this time I drove to Red Deer. And got to see my beautiful little niece and nephews.

The reward was certainly worth the trip.

This is Rachel, she's 6 which means she still is young enough to think she has a cool auntie. I like hanging out with her, a lot.

This is my bro Shandy. He's pictured here, in his happy place, i.e his garage where he is assembling a replica AC Cobra.


His plan is to be finished by fall so he can drive Rachel to her first day of grade one in it.
I asked if he'd maybe make another one for me so I could have it for my first day of MD school, to which he made some smart-assed remark about "well...at the rate you're going...".

"Have I been looking at the directions upside down the whole time? Hmmmm


Speaking of boys and toys. Here is my brother in law's new toy. He's pretty pumped. Though I am sad he didn't get the insane zodiac with the roll bars. That boat looked waaaay more fun!



So Davey took us out for a day of fishing. We were absentmindedly enjoying our V8 juices and the sun when suddenly the weather turned on us and lightening started showing itself in the north. So we hot-footed it back to the trucks to wait for the storm to pass. Good thing, for as soon as we were ensconced in our vehicles a crazy hail storm decided to hit us full throttle.


In about 20 mins the wild storm had passed and we had bluebird sky again.


Here is 'Little Man' eying his catch with some trepidation. Who knew one could catch such brilliantly colored fish in the 7 foot depths of an Alberta lake?? Sorry Verena, no macros of that guy.



So now I am back in the big smoke. Doing my fair bit of couch surfing. It has been great catching up with some friends that I haven't seen in years. I am tired of living out of a duffel bag though. The past year in Kelowna with John and I having to go back and forth on weekends, trying to keep track of my coat/toothbrush/footwear was tiring and it just seems to continue. When I leave my moms place in the morning I have to make a couple of trips, my car is full of textbooks (in case I have a spare minute to MCAT cram), an emergency supply of powerbar meal replacement drinks, spare runners, running clothes, some cans of tuna, change of clothes and shoes in case I end up going out for dinner, breakfast/lunch/coffee/tea/snacks, computer, ipod, camera, and their various charging and downloading devices. Really, it's ridiculous. Last week I slept at four different locations. Turns out all I need to add to my Mary-Poppins-Bag of a car is my fan and a pillow and I am set.

I wrote the above posting a couple of weeks ago but due to some issues with my tags (?) it wouldn't publish. I have since started the next o chem class and my schedule looks like this now:

0600h: wake
0730h-1000h: meet tutor at university after eating breakfast in car
1000h-1230h: class
1230h-1330h: study for daily lab exam/eat lunch/finish lab write up/pre-lab
1330h-1630h: make like duck in lab for 3h (scrambling around but trying to look calm on the surface)
1630h-1830h: run, eat, start lab write up, pre-lab, stare at wall, drool, fantasize about being a kept woman/winning lottery
1830h-2030h: meet with tutor (again!)
2030h-0030h: study, study, study...
0030h-0040h: read
0040h-0600h: sleep

So please forgive the lag in postings until after this is all over.

One...last...pre req!

This just in...got an A in organic chem 261!

Woot!

Three weeks to go and I will be freed from the 7th circle of pre requisite hell that I have been living in for the past year!

Double Woot!

Decompression Day 1

Leading up to D-day (the chem final) mostly involved me sleeping (3-4h a night) in my clothes, eating in a study carol, and trying to do as many practice questions as possible--there was little time to pack in Kelowna or get ready for my Swiss adventure.

Chem came and went. It was a tough final. I had to fight the urge to have an anxiety attack when I got to the question which asked us to derive a fourth order equation half life. Also during the exam I almost fell into the the downward spiral of self doubt and fear which usually goes like this:

-I am going to fail this exam...

-I am going to have to take this class over again...

-What was I thinking taking a year off and trying to do science classes...

-I am an idiot...

-I have no more savings...

-I am never getting into med school...

-Clearly I am not smart enough to compete against all the brainiacks that are getting in...

-I should be wearing a dunce cap...

-What am I going to to with my life now that I am in debt and never going to med school...

-I should have studied longer/harder/better...

-I should just hand it in and leave now...save the marker the time...

STOP! This is dangerous for me because the self doubt downward spiral only leads to bad things and rash decisions. It's like the event horizon of negative self talk which I seem to precariously tread near these days.

So my time ran out and I handed it in, feeling like the year could not have ended on more of a down note. Down. Way down.

At least it is over I suppose.

Then it was mad packing at Casa Del Sullivan in K-town. Having forgotten my suitcases in Revy I was grabbing random articles (oranges, underwear, toothbrushes, cue cards, espresso machines, soy milk) and tossing them in plastic bags then jamming it in my car. Raced home to meet up with Erin and John (friends from the USA who were staying at our pad), had a glass of wine with Verena, Rob, and Sylvia, lamented the no go on the French immersion program, started unpacking the chaos de Kelowna and then started packing for Edmonton and Switzerland 'til 0130h.

I woke Wednesday at 0600h. Finished packing. Hit the road. Thought that I was ahead of the game then realized somewhere around Golden that there is a time change and I am actually an hour behind schedule.

Drove 130 km/hr the rest of the way and got there in ok time.

Flights, unremarkable. All luggage arrived with me (better than when we went to Morocco and it took a week for my gear to show up). So I was grateful for that.

Since I had no Swiss francs or change I had to schlepp my skis and luggage by hand to the train station. By this point, even though I am fluent in French I was struggling to communicate due to the lack of sleep for over 24 hours. My brain was definitely on delay.

Arrived at Hennke's around 1700h. Enjoyed my first raclette grill. Wow. Who knew one could eat so many calories in one meal??

Some of you may recall Henkke and John's penchant for white wine and club soda last year during the heat wave? Well, they have assured me that now they have moved onto a much more manly beverage...beer mixed with sparkling grapefruit juice...

Obviously there is nothing homo erotic going on here hey Henkke??


Mmmm...cheese...pickles...bread...meat...happy place...and not a textbook in sight!

The Only Reality Show I would Watch

The Two Enantiomers of Thalidomide

Coming to you from Okanagan TV...the Ed Neeland Organic Chem Boot Camp Reality Show:

"Watch as Dr.Neeland culls the herd, breaks the students down, and builds them up in his own image...Here's a clip from next weeks show..."

--picture terrified 1st years quaking with their calculators and pocket protectors, standing in a line, Neeland pacing around them---

"This molecule has a line of symmetry--can it reflect polarized light?!!!"

--students in unison---

"SIR, NO, SIR"

"What is the R or S of this molecule?"

--a slight pause by students, Neeland bellows--

"TOO SLOW! Faster"

--students, (not so in unison)---

"R Sir R!" and "S Sir S!" can be heard.

"Tune in next week to see who is kicked off the island (er, out of the classroom) after quiz number 2..."

Wagon Falling and Other Adventures

I have noted that some despondency may have crept into my entries of late so I feel I need to highlight some of the good things that happened which helped me get through another week away from the powder, the pals, and the partner.

Amber (bio study buddy) picked me up and we were heading to *Bucks to enjoy another power session of flash cards and physiology when she informed me that she had brought along an activity for us to do for stress relief when we were done. I was suspicious as the woman is 5 months pregnant so it obviously wasn't a bottle of wine.

Turns out it was magic paint, iron-on rhinestones, and iron-on printer paper for us to BLING up our lab coats. Thus elevating us to epic-ultra-nerdy-weird-adult-learner status.

I came up with the pun- phrase and she with the design and we tricked out our lab coats to an impressive degree (more photos to follow). Dust off your old organic chem texts if you can't figure it out...


We made an extra one for our equally-fond-of-nerdy-chem-jokes prof, which, apparently he liked so much he put it up on the overhead during Friday's class.

Sadly I missed being outed as the uber-nerd as I was already happily diving head first off the cleanse wagon in Revelstoke.

It was hard not to speed the entire way home, I was looking so forward to seeing my Revy family that the drive made me feel like an impatient 5 year old.

Had a fantastic few days at home which included a delicious happy-steak dinner at Ann Marie et Ryan's, some botched cast-iron brownies, and spicy Zinfandel--what was it's name again?

Friday was studying and then a cheese fest of truffle preccorino, winemakers, and cave aged gruyere with plenty of vino, Cava, and port while we tucked into several episodes of "Sex in the City". Maybe we can't relate to the shoe shopping and the clubbing in New York, but some of the themes were close to our hearts---missing our dear friends, finding love, trying to make babies, invalid in-laws. Much much needed time with the girls and laughter. John and James even joined in for some of the episodes, both of them armed with stiff scotches, mind you.

Saturday was the 2nd Annual Revelstoke Robbie Burns Night.
Well, I am going to wait until Verena sends me some photos from that night before I expand, as the old adage of "a picture says a thousand words" is soo true.

The next day I unwillingly crawled to the kitchen table to study a bit more despite the 10cm of fresh snow and sunshine out there.

It had better friggin' snow next winter I tell ya.

G'night for now. Thank you world for another great week.

Jealous? Why would I be jealous?

When the sun is shining and everyone around me got up early with the frantic excitement of a day of skiing ahead. Coffee's are hastily prepared, skins, peeps, helmets, boots, poles, skis are gathered up in a flurry and are clunked out to the car. Silence descends upon the house and I grudgingly pad my way upstairs, suiting myself up and psyching myself up for a day of studying in the attic.

It's not FOMO (fear of missing out) it is pure MO.

Why would I be jealous when all my friends are skiing fresh pow and I am learning :

"Predict the relative boiling points of propane, C3H8 , and dimethyl ether, CH3OCH3"

Well, let me tall ya...

Both molecules have 26 electrons and are expected to have nearly the same polarizability.Propane is essentially a nonpolar molecule (μ = 0.084 D), because of the low polarity of C−H bonds. Dimethyl ether has a Lewis structure similar to H2O, with two methyl groups, CH3, replacing two H atoms. The molecular shape is angular around the O atom, and the molecule is polar (μ = 1.30 D). In this case, the dipole-dipole interaction is the determining factor, because the London interactions are expected to be similar. The boiling point of dimethyl ether is expected to be greater than that of propane. The actual boiling temperatures are −25°C for dimethyl ether and −42°C for propane.

Who needs skiing when you've got dipole moments?

Because really, I can see the direct correlation between this and me becoming a good doctor. I mean, if I had a dollar for every time dipole moments came up in the emerg department! Whew! I'd be a rich woman....

Are you a faculty member or a student?

Ouch. Now there was my first "you know you're an adult learner when" moment at the U of A this summer. Needing to activate my defunct student ID I had to head over to the computing services department and ask for a new password.

"Are you a faculty member or a student?" Was what I got. Wow. Things were feeling a bit like too tight underwear already but that really cinched it. Okay, so my youthful exuberance (ahem!) did nothing to hide the fact that I was either a returning student or keener faculty member.

I have to admit to some moments of insecurity and fish out of water sensations with my fellow organic chem classmates (or "o-chem" as the kids are calling it these days).

For starters most of them were well under the age of 25, I whined to my mother "My lab partner looks like she's 17" to which she replied with her deadpan version of comfort "that is because she is Erin".

Right.

Clearly I am out of sync with fashion, the whole legging thing really threw me off. I thought the girls were wearing skirts with 3/4 length leggings under because of the "no bare legs" rule in the lab. But no. Even on no lab days it was a trend that jerked me back to high school girls when I was in elementary school--where have all the feathered bangs gone though? is the question.

No more visa on campus either. HELLO! Some of us are working on aeroplan miles here people. When I complained to the chem store guy asking him "what kind of university is this?" he replied "welcome to the university of life--well I guess you've been going to that university for a while". HARSH! And then refused to believe that he didn't need to sell me the special lab goggles that go over glasses/contacts.

I hiss in his general direction.

But not only has the uni changed I guess, so have I. I remember my former schedule when I was doing my undergrad:
-wake up at last possible minute, pull clean-ish clothes off floor, apply toque to head and eat coffee for breakfast....arrive last, leave first. Spend as little time as possible on campus.
-go home, put on cleaner clothes, go to live music venue and drink rusty nails all night...except on the nights when I was waitressing--or the night before term paper due, only a few hours of rusty nail drinking, then paper writing until 7 am.

This time around it looked more like:
-rise at 5:45, eat breakfast in car while driving 45 mins to uni. Meet with tutor for 2 hours before class, review notes, drink excessive amounts of T-Ho's. Go to pre-class help session for 1h before class. Sit in lecture then lab for next 6.5h. Do homework at uni, study. Do extra questions. Work on lab. Study for quiz next day. eat dinner somewhere in there. Pass out on bed totally sober and depressed after midnight. Repeat.

I see the live shows advertised--Z-trip was playing the second week I was there. Last time I would have partied all night and recovered for three days after. This time for me the only Z-trip I saw was more than 5 hours of hydrogen-bond-breaking in-my-sleep-shut-eye.

Other new exciting differences that I noticed were--that I drive the same car that some of the kids in my class get dropped off by their mom in.
--I associated more easily with my prof and T.A's than with my fellow classmates. I also dress more like the profs than my classmates. Comfortable shoes are sooo out this year!

All in all it was an amazing challenge for me--the nerd in the front row with the dictaphone and multi-colored highlighters.

There was one rant which I posted on a certain social interface page which I will post here for those that missed my steam-let-off moment in the Central Academic Building.

Don't Reflux H2SO4 With Your Shirt Off
Okay seriously. It is sad. I am in this organic chem class right now with a bunch of tweens and yes I have been feeling a touch old....bitter...jaded. Well no, I have just been feeling like the adult learner that I am. A nerd. Who sits in the front row everyday, records the lectures, does all the homework, has a tutor, does the supplemental learning, studies everyday...

I realised that I have turned into one of those people I used to make fun of (who me?) in my undergrad. The dreaded keener-adult-learner. Well, I am not at the powerpoint making, pamphlet handing out stage of the game yet but GIMME TIME!

But seriously girls what is with the cleavage in the chem lab?? I mean really. This isn't a jealously thing either. I am perfectly secure when it comes to my twins. Honestly though, I mean--use your born-in-the-nineties brain! We are heating, distilling, mixing things like CONCENTRATED HYDROCHLORIC ACID and SULFURIC ACID! We're not baking a cake here gals! Have you heard the expression "don't fry bacon with your shirt off??" Try this one "Don't reflux hydrosulfuric acid with your tits out!"

I know, I know. Then how ever will you catch the eye of one of the dozens of pre-med guys? Wellllllll sweetie if you've got hamburger for a chest d'ya think he's going to want to be your lab partner? Think about it.

Anyway, I am done my rant/public safety announcement for the night. Gotta get back to the riveting chapter on the "properties of enantiomers". I feel a powerpoint coming on........