My apologies for all the double postings lately. Seems lately the theme in my life is living and dying--and the gray area that exists within those definitions. It is not a theme I want to run from, it is memories, experiences, and perspectives I am trying to learn from.
This week was the anniversary of my fathers death. Then, my first shift back at work ended up becoming a chaotic mix of emotions when a young woman arrested in front of me and we spent almost 2 hours resuscitating her.
And finally, I returned to Victoria just in time to say one last goodbye to Jody before she took her final breath.
Of course all of these events have shone light on my beliefs about mortality---as well as quality of life and death. I am sure all of this forced introspection will stir up a few postings soon. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the rain.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Props to Pops
This Friday marks the anniversary of my dad's death in 2002. For me this year will be a bit sadder than most. My dad would have been over the moon had he been alive to see me start medical school. Many of the folks on his side of the family never even completed high school let alone university.
I had a few random things in a bag I brought with me from storage when I last moved. And I mean random...plunger for French press, old camera, greeting cards, mesh bag, mail, incense... and as I sorted though--a photo of my dad and I on his ride-a-mower when I was about 4 emerged. This photo floated out of my stack of paperwork and landed on the table. I had completely forgotten about it-- most of my photos are in storage about 900kms away.
I stared at it for a while then tacked it up on my fridge. I realised that his death day is tomorrow and that he died not knowing I'd reach my goal of medical school. Hadn't pieced that reality together yet. After losing a parent it seems all victories become somewhat bittersweet because that tender spot inevitably gets reactivated with each triumph. Our parents are the only people in the world that genuinely care when we succeed or when we fail. Our accomplishments to them are uncomplicated in ways that cannot be with a spouse or friends.
Many people say to me "oh, your father knows what you are up to" but honestly, I don't know if I believe that. I think (if there is an afterlife) it will be so unimaginably wonderful that our souls will be preoccupied with much more important things than hanging around earth to see if our living offspring become doctors or not. I know my father was very proud of who I was even when I was just a punk-assed 22 year old. I think a part of my wishing he were around to see me off in May stems from my desire to show him "See dad! You and mom done good!" Giving me the chance to say thank you for eating my watery scrambled eggs, letting me put rollers in your hair, and tolerating the boyfriends who wore trench coats.
It all worked out in the end Dad.
Thank you.
I hope you're riding some cosmic wave or fishing off a plentiful dock with Cubby right now.
I had a few random things in a bag I brought with me from storage when I last moved. And I mean random...plunger for French press, old camera, greeting cards, mesh bag, mail, incense... and as I sorted though--a photo of my dad and I on his ride-a-mower when I was about 4 emerged. This photo floated out of my stack of paperwork and landed on the table. I had completely forgotten about it-- most of my photos are in storage about 900kms away.
I stared at it for a while then tacked it up on my fridge. I realised that his death day is tomorrow and that he died not knowing I'd reach my goal of medical school. Hadn't pieced that reality together yet. After losing a parent it seems all victories become somewhat bittersweet because that tender spot inevitably gets reactivated with each triumph. Our parents are the only people in the world that genuinely care when we succeed or when we fail. Our accomplishments to them are uncomplicated in ways that cannot be with a spouse or friends.
Many people say to me "oh, your father knows what you are up to" but honestly, I don't know if I believe that. I think (if there is an afterlife) it will be so unimaginably wonderful that our souls will be preoccupied with much more important things than hanging around earth to see if our living offspring become doctors or not. I know my father was very proud of who I was even when I was just a punk-assed 22 year old. I think a part of my wishing he were around to see me off in May stems from my desire to show him "See dad! You and mom done good!" Giving me the chance to say thank you for eating my watery scrambled eggs, letting me put rollers in your hair, and tolerating the boyfriends who wore trench coats.
It all worked out in the end Dad.
Thank you.
I hope you're riding some cosmic wave or fishing off a plentiful dock with Cubby right now.
Friday, February 13, 2009
And Now...for Something Completely Different
It appears that 'ohtannin' has been getting more traffic than usual lately...weird. I'm not even putting tag lines like "large breasted women" or "AC Cobra" in any of my posts. (Woot! Let the raw data appear now!!!) Regardless, it appears that it is time for a life update on here as things are about to make a 180.
Last week I received 5 reject letters from the Canadian schools that I applied to--including Calgary. Initially I was really quite frustrated and sad by this. There was a lot of "what do they want then???" being yelled at the sky. Well, there were a few expletives in there also...but after the wave of cussing and tiny fist shaking, I realised this meant I was moving to the Caribbean. And that is not such a bad thing I suppose! It's 20 months on the island, then 72 weeks of clinical rotations, which can be divided in the UK/USA or USA--with the possibility of 12 weeks in Canada (yay!).
Evidently 2007-08 in Canada was the worst year for international medical graduate (IMG) residency rates in over 20 years (6%) which means that there is a fairly large chance that I will have to do my residency in the USA. This I am okay with, but it means that depending on my specialty of choice I could be away from Canada for the next 9 years. 9 YEARS!!!! That is starting to seem like a long time! That is me being gone "for my 30's". Is that crazy? That is a substantial amount of weddings, births, birthdays, pot lucks, swimming competitions, football games, first steps, and Settlers of Catan games that I am going to miss out on! :(
Well, I am on this track now and there is no way I am going to get off after all the sweat, tears, and cash I spilled to get to this point. When a goal is so far off you can barely see it, it is no wonder that the implications of attaining it are fuzzy--the realities are blurred until you get there.
And so, with 2.5 months left in Canada, it is going to be a scramble of stocking up on my favorite things (Yogi tea and Denman Island chocolate) and saying goodbye to friends and family. Oh and skiing. And working. And getting a temporary resident card and a new passport. And packing.
Last week I received 5 reject letters from the Canadian schools that I applied to--including Calgary. Initially I was really quite frustrated and sad by this. There was a lot of "what do they want then???" being yelled at the sky. Well, there were a few expletives in there also...but after the wave of cussing and tiny fist shaking, I realised this meant I was moving to the Caribbean. And that is not such a bad thing I suppose! It's 20 months on the island, then 72 weeks of clinical rotations, which can be divided in the UK/USA or USA--with the possibility of 12 weeks in Canada (yay!).
Evidently 2007-08 in Canada was the worst year for international medical graduate (IMG) residency rates in over 20 years (6%) which means that there is a fairly large chance that I will have to do my residency in the USA. This I am okay with, but it means that depending on my specialty of choice I could be away from Canada for the next 9 years. 9 YEARS!!!! That is starting to seem like a long time! That is me being gone "for my 30's". Is that crazy? That is a substantial amount of weddings, births, birthdays, pot lucks, swimming competitions, football games, first steps, and Settlers of Catan games that I am going to miss out on! :(
Well, I am on this track now and there is no way I am going to get off after all the sweat, tears, and cash I spilled to get to this point. When a goal is so far off you can barely see it, it is no wonder that the implications of attaining it are fuzzy--the realities are blurred until you get there.
And so, with 2.5 months left in Canada, it is going to be a scramble of stocking up on my favorite things (Yogi tea and Denman Island chocolate) and saying goodbye to friends and family. Oh and skiing. And working. And getting a temporary resident card and a new passport. And packing.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Another January in Blogville
I just realised that today is the 2 year anniversary of "ohtanninbound"! For some reason this not-even-remotely-auspicious day causes me to reflect on the past 2 years. Reminds me that 2 years ago I was in Iqaluit and hadn't even started the journey to medical school. One year ago I was in the thick of things, in prerequisite hell, with still another semester, an MCAT, and summer session yet to be completed. Thankfully that part of my existence is behind me. As my friend Kate told me last August--just write "2007-2008" and draw a giant line through it, it was a write off...don't think about it. Which for the most part was true. There was a lot of stress but there was still some great highlights like the trip to Europe, the small amount of time I actually got to spend in Revelstoke, the Valhallas hike, my road bike...
Today I slept waaaaay in. So much so that it makes me wonder "what the hell is wrong with me?" Every time I'd open my eyes I'd see the large snowflakes landing on the trees outside, finally after over a week without snow. It is one of my favorite sights, and it caused me to smile a little to myself and fall back asleep.
I continue to be in limbo while I wait for my place here in Mountain Town, dividing my time between the Stephen/Kara house and the Jerry/Francesca/Isabelle house. Working in two different ER departments, in two different health regions. One ER is the typical population with the usual woes found there: abdominal pain, drug seekers, chest pains, sore throats, and lots of elderly people admitted to the hospital stuck in the ED.
The other ER sees the casualties you'd expect find at the bottom of a mountain that has 20-30 000 people skiing/snowboarding on it during a busy day: crazy fractures, traumas, lacerations, head injuries, sore joints...and a smattering of the aforementioned presentations.
I move into my quaint little one bedroom in a couple of weeks. I cannot wait to officially unpack my duffel bag until September. 10 months of couch surfing is simply too long.
On the recreation front, the skiing this year has been...mediocre at best. The best snow so far was in Revelstoke after Christmas. So instead, I've been keeping myself busy by hanging around the climbing gym and attempting to boulder (I suck), getting back in to yoga (I was flexible once), and counting down the minutes on the elliptical (thank you meniscus that is keeping me from running). So it has been a bit frustrating. But I have to just keep reminding myself...the hardest part about sports is getting back into it. I just have to suck it up for the next 6 weeks or so and then I won't feel like the kid who gets picked last in gym class.
But as I write this, the snow continues to fall...so maybe...there is a ski season left to be salvaged after all.
Next week the letters for Canadian med school interviews come out...I start the mailbox vigil sometime mid Feb. I'll try and not think obsessively only about those letters. Cross your fingers for me...Calgary....Calgary....Calgary...
Today I slept waaaaay in. So much so that it makes me wonder "what the hell is wrong with me?" Every time I'd open my eyes I'd see the large snowflakes landing on the trees outside, finally after over a week without snow. It is one of my favorite sights, and it caused me to smile a little to myself and fall back asleep.
I continue to be in limbo while I wait for my place here in Mountain Town, dividing my time between the Stephen/Kara house and the Jerry/Francesca/Isabelle house. Working in two different ER departments, in two different health regions. One ER is the typical population with the usual woes found there: abdominal pain, drug seekers, chest pains, sore throats, and lots of elderly people admitted to the hospital stuck in the ED.
The other ER sees the casualties you'd expect find at the bottom of a mountain that has 20-30 000 people skiing/snowboarding on it during a busy day: crazy fractures, traumas, lacerations, head injuries, sore joints...and a smattering of the aforementioned presentations.
I move into my quaint little one bedroom in a couple of weeks. I cannot wait to officially unpack my duffel bag until September. 10 months of couch surfing is simply too long.
On the recreation front, the skiing this year has been...mediocre at best. The best snow so far was in Revelstoke after Christmas. So instead, I've been keeping myself busy by hanging around the climbing gym and attempting to boulder (I suck), getting back in to yoga (I was flexible once), and counting down the minutes on the elliptical (thank you meniscus that is keeping me from running). So it has been a bit frustrating. But I have to just keep reminding myself...the hardest part about sports is getting back into it. I just have to suck it up for the next 6 weeks or so and then I won't feel like the kid who gets picked last in gym class.
But as I write this, the snow continues to fall...so maybe...there is a ski season left to be salvaged after all.
Next week the letters for Canadian med school interviews come out...I start the mailbox vigil sometime mid Feb. I'll try and not think obsessively only about those letters. Cross your fingers for me...Calgary....Calgary....Calgary...
Friday, January 9, 2009
In A Word
Normally I try and avoid yahoo "news" stories but I stumbled upon this article today. I usually abhor the onslaught of "End of the Year" lists and "Top Ten" type articles that surface in January...but I will admit...there were some real gems in this piece. It cracked everyone in my house up, so I figured it was 'blogworthy' (my own word for 2008).
My favorites on the list for "Word of the Year 2008" according to Macquarie Dictionary include:
Oh and John, you are not allowed to make any comments which may draw parallels to my travel style and any of the above definitions. :)
My favorites on the list for "Word of the Year 2008" according to Macquarie Dictionary include:
- bromance
- (say 'brohmans)
noun Colloquial a non-sexual but intense friendship between two males. [bro + (ro)mance1]
- fanta pants
- (say 'fantuh pants)
noun Originally British Colloquial a person whose hair is naturally red. [from the orange-coloured soft drink Fanta + pants, with reference to pubic hair as the indicator of hair colour]
- flashpacker
- (say 'flashpakuh)
noun Colloquial a backpacker who travels in relative luxury. [flash(y) + (back)packer]
--flashpacking, noun
- fur child
- say 'fer chuyld)
noun Colloquial a pet animal, as a cat or dog, treated as one would a child.
Oh and John, you are not allowed to make any comments which may draw parallels to my travel style and any of the above definitions. :)
Friday, December 19, 2008
Proof the World Is Coming to an End
I saw this today at the grocery store and thought: Really? Do people actually eat marshmallow "salad"? If they do it is proof Armageddon is on the horizon.
Monday, December 8, 2008
I Could Probably Handle It...
So there I was sitting at a table for 4. Alone with my great current book, "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by Kingsolver. Alone in fact, in the entire restaurant. Staring out across the ocean, watching the sun drop out of the sky.
I was enjoying some black bean soup and a coffee, mulling over the options for medical school this coming year. The thought of traveling across the world is, to say the least, daunting. Far away from family, friends, my favorite deli's, snow, and the mountains.
My two acceptances so far have been to Caribbean schools which, the ones I'm accepted to, have great reputations, encouraging match statistics for residencies, and really unique opportunities for 3rd and 4th year clerkships. But it is a fact that the island students have to prove themselves, which can be a good or a bad thing. I know I will be a strong student with my nursing background so that doesn't scare me off too much. But the distance and the IMG status does cause me to hesitate a wee bit.
But then I sat back and sipped on my coffee and thought...
Nah...I think I can handle the hurdles...
Friday, December 5, 2008
SUCCESS!
So if there is anybody out there--I'm pretty excited to announce that I have been accepted to 2 medical schools!
So...now I just have to wait to hear back from the other 12 that I applied to...sadly the interview offers for the rest don't come out until February or later...
If there are still some of you out there...I promise I have emerged from the cave that I crawled into after India and will get back to posting again more regularly.
In some ways this knowledge that I am now for sure going to medical school is...almost hard to wrap my head around. I have spent so much time and money and made so many sacrifices to get to this point I almost thought that there would be fireworks and cartwheels when I found out.
But it was just a large envelope and at the time no one to jump up and down with. It did seem a little empty. Of course my family was over the moon but everything almost seemed bittersweet.
Anyway now there appears to be someone who is going to come along for the ride so...fingers crossed...
So...now I just have to wait to hear back from the other 12 that I applied to...sadly the interview offers for the rest don't come out until February or later...
If there are still some of you out there...I promise I have emerged from the cave that I crawled into after India and will get back to posting again more regularly.
In some ways this knowledge that I am now for sure going to medical school is...almost hard to wrap my head around. I have spent so much time and money and made so many sacrifices to get to this point I almost thought that there would be fireworks and cartwheels when I found out.
But it was just a large envelope and at the time no one to jump up and down with. It did seem a little empty. Of course my family was over the moon but everything almost seemed bittersweet.
Anyway now there appears to be someone who is going to come along for the ride so...fingers crossed...
Sunday, November 2, 2008
She's Baaaaaackkkk....
Hello friends near and far.
Happy to be safe and sound (and enjoying hot showers and electricity again)!
I am hanging out with my family while I wait for my interview on Wednesday. Bought a snazzy suit to wear, hoping it sees more than one MD school interview!
After that, still not sure where I am heading as I am in the process of negotiating my next work contract...NWT? Nunavut? Yukon? BC? Remains to be seen. Maybe someone will hire me as their personal chef and I can take a break from nursing all together. Yeah. That might happen!
I've decided to post the trip chronicles on Asystole. I've also got my pics uploaded on flickr...if you want the link, drop me a line.
Looking forward to catching up with people near and far. Hopefully my Delhi Belly and lower respiratory bug will both take their leave of me sooner rather than later.
Canada, I love thee...let me count the ways...
Happy to be safe and sound (and enjoying hot showers and electricity again)!
I am hanging out with my family while I wait for my interview on Wednesday. Bought a snazzy suit to wear, hoping it sees more than one MD school interview!
After that, still not sure where I am heading as I am in the process of negotiating my next work contract...NWT? Nunavut? Yukon? BC? Remains to be seen. Maybe someone will hire me as their personal chef and I can take a break from nursing all together. Yeah. That might happen!
I've decided to post the trip chronicles on Asystole. I've also got my pics uploaded on flickr...if you want the link, drop me a line.
Looking forward to catching up with people near and far. Hopefully my Delhi Belly and lower respiratory bug will both take their leave of me sooner rather than later.
Canada, I love thee...let me count the ways...
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Final Days
It's no secret that I love Revy. A couple of weeks ago I went home and spent a few days sadly packing up my things to put into storage. It's hard to pack up when you don't know when and where you'll be unpacking.
Finally, everything was done. And we loaded up James' jeep, Peanut, and the Cosmic Valise. I moseyed over to the storage space and that was that. A month ago I had a nice little house in the mountains. Now I have a swank storage space. Amazing how things change. I suppose the house didn't really anchor me, but with that gone I do feel like I am floating up...up...and away. No idea where I'll land when I get back from India. So far I am leaving the work thing open as I am still hoping to go to Whitehorse this winter. Time will tell. Looking at everything in there certainly makes me wonder...what is really worth keeping? Some of those boxes haven't even been opened since they were in storage in Victoria. I feel a purge coming on with my next move.
As a final insult to the melancholy feeling of leaving a rainbow appeared. Yes. Like I didn't already know that this town was where the friggin' rainbow ended.
Sheesh.
Thankfully, Luc and Anna hosted a wicked jam that night and I proceeded to sing my troubles away. I couldn't have asked for a better send of. There were many fabulous musicians there that evening and I was pleased to have the opportunity to chuck along with them.
And so begins the next chapter.
To procrastinate, I went for one last road ride.
Finally, everything was done. And we loaded up James' jeep, Peanut, and the Cosmic Valise. I moseyed over to the storage space and that was that. A month ago I had a nice little house in the mountains. Now I have a swank storage space. Amazing how things change. I suppose the house didn't really anchor me, but with that gone I do feel like I am floating up...up...and away. No idea where I'll land when I get back from India. So far I am leaving the work thing open as I am still hoping to go to Whitehorse this winter. Time will tell. Looking at everything in there certainly makes me wonder...what is really worth keeping? Some of those boxes haven't even been opened since they were in storage in Victoria. I feel a purge coming on with my next move.Does anyone have a gasoline soaked rag and a match??
As a final insult to the melancholy feeling of leaving a rainbow appeared. Yes. Like I didn't already know that this town was where the friggin' rainbow ended.Sheesh.
Thankfully, Luc and Anna hosted a wicked jam that night and I proceeded to sing my troubles away. I couldn't have asked for a better send of. There were many fabulous musicians there that evening and I was pleased to have the opportunity to chuck along with them.
And so begins the next chapter.
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